This whole fall season has been frustrating and disappointing to me, in many ways. All professionally, not personally. I have the greatest husband in all the world and we’ve married 29 years. But my writing is going nowhere. My question: how long do I persist in pursuing something that may never happen? How much money do I throw into it? I’ve already put in thousands of dollars and years––with virtually no return on my investment.
Ok. Yes, I have a literary agent, and I’m thankful for him. The thing is––there is no guarantee I’ll ever be traditionally published. The most recent rejection came this last week with a comment that said something like, “Our genre is filled and this story isn’t strong enough to stand on its own.” Sheesh.
Let’s look again at the definitions. Disappoint: Webster’s definition—to fail to satisfy the hopes or expectations of; to undo or frustrate (a plan, intention, etc.) to thwart (whether it was intentional or not). Expect: Webster’s—await, wait for; to look for as likely to occur or appear; to look forward to, anticipate. (Faith in what we hope for is involved here.)
Every rejection I get is a disappointment to me. Although I’m trying to choose to have a positive attitude that maybe, just maybe, someday, (oh, how I hate that word), I’ll get what I expect, and what I expect is the best. So when I don’t get it, ugh. I fuss about it. I vent to the Lord. I do take the time to feel the letdown, the hurt and rejection. I’m working at processing it as quickly as possible, to try to get over it. It’s my Forgive, Release, and Move On strategy of healing. I’ve talked about it before on this blog.
I’ve had numerous disappointments this fall. But this time, I’m struggling through this process, and I’m not doing well, but I’m hoping to come out on top. I won’t go into the individual disappointments. The emotional pain from the accumulation of all the little and big disappointments has wearied me.
Every day, I struggle to say, “I will follow the Lord––no matter what.” I have chosen many times in the past to follow Christ, but in this season of quite difficult testing, in which I have not responded very well, I still choose. I can be crying my eyes out, but I still choose. Nothing changes in my circumstances, but I keep trying. That’s the most positive thing I can say about this––I keep trying. Remember, it’s my living epitaph. I have a post about that. I keep trying to find God’swill for me.
So––have yourself a Merry little Christmas! After the first of the year, I’ll go back to a writing post, and continue the Story-fixing series. Thank you for reading.