Kicking the Goads

from Flickr

from Flickr

I’ve been taking a deep, long, and hard look at my life in the last couple of months. Some negative things have occurred in the fall that caused me to question my direction. Self-reflection is a good thing, because we need to take stock of ourselves from time-to-time. Click to Tweet Knowing where we are can give us insight. #selfreflection #kickinggoads

I’m not going to list all the disappointments from the last five months. Suffice it to say, some were harder to take than others. It started with a “school” turning me down for staff because they said I didn’t ask for enough hours. Weird, huh?

Then, manuscript rejections and contest non-wins contributed, capped by the organization’s chapter folding at the end of 2016.

Anyway, I’m coming out of the emotional funk I’ve been in. I don’t have many expectations for this year. I’m planning a few personal trips, but the writing, I don’t know. I’m going back to something I thought of a few years ago. We’ll see.

I brought up a short “exercise” I wrote about two to three years ago, when I was frustrated, but didn’t want to take the time to write it in longhand. I entitled it “When is it time to move on?”

from Flickr

from Flickr

The book of Acts in the Bible describes the experience Saul of Tarsus had on the road to Damascus. He was asked “Why are you persecuting me?” Jesus was asking, and said more. “It is dangerous and it will turn out badly for you to keep kicking against the goad (to offer vain and perilous resistance).”

I feel like trying to write, be a writer, is like kicking against the goads. Here’s some questions I asked at that time:

How many thousands of dollars do you spend on yourself to try something new – only to have it always shoved back in your face – kindly, sometimes, at others, rudely?

How do you know when a brick wall is supposed to be climbed – or is it there to help you change direction? And if you’ve tried climbing, but always fall, and you’ve changed direction a gazillion times in your late middle-aged life already – always hoping, always seeking – but never finding…what do you do?

The question is: what will I do? Because this is me. I’ve tried everything I can think of. I’ve had what I thought were God-given dreams – but after playing out – none of them evidently were.

Am I a masochist – always exposing myself to disappointment and hurt?

My feelings haven’t really changed. But I continue to seek, because there’s nothing else to do. I keep on keeping on. Click to Tweet I only hope I’m not kicking against the goads. #selfreflection #kickinggoads

Next time, I’m going to start a series on the root of rejection, APD, etc. It’s a layman’s version, but I hope it will be of help to others.


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